Private Roadblocks!

What I've come to realize this last year and fighting with my weightlosses and gains is that I have the tools to change my body I have done it before I will do it again. But what I thought would be the hardest part of losing weight was the actual diet and exercise I could not even fathom that the mental struggle could be my undoing. Fighting my head and telling myself that no I don't need that and yes I need to exercise more.

The constant thoughts of This is so unfair! Why do I always have to struggle? Why have I never been happy in my own skin? Why isn't this easy? Why didn't I get the thin genes that my mother carries and my father used to be? Why me? Why me? The constant I don't think I can do this! I don't wanna push myself any farther! I can't run any longer or I will fall off! All of these thoughts in my head are my own private roadblocks imprisoning me in a body that I am not happy with. A body that I am trying to accept just as it is. A body that will never be model thin. This mental anguish has the capability to bring me down.

I know I am strong enough physically, mentally as well yet I have to take baby steps on the road to mental wellness. I can honestly say my journey halfway began last year when I proved to myself that I could lose weight. I lost 19 lbs to be exact. I am extremely mad at myself that I gained 11 of them back. But it is alright. They will be gone again. I realized a change in myself about a month ago or slightly more when I was discussing once again with my husband if I could do this. He always is very positive and tells me I can. Then like a lightbulb that you turn on entering a room he was like "Ang, don't you get the thrill to push yourself harder? To see what you are made of?" Honestly I told him no. I was scared of falling off the treadmill or falling down and collapsing. My adrenline junky husband replied simply "I love the unknown and that feeling." "Ang, you can do it" Those few short sentences have been constantly in the back of my mind but in particular when I am working out. Why did I never push myself harder before. Was I truly scared of what the outcome might be or of what will happen to me when I look and feel better. I honestly don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that since that day I have accomoplished things that I never have before. I was a woman who ran in one minute increments and who wouldn't do more than 3 minutes in a 45 minute time frame. Was this due to fear, maybe. Weakness, maybe. Self loathing, maybe that as well. But now I reached my small goal of jogging for 10 minutes solid. I was so excited. that was a feat not accomplished since highschool and if I am honest with myself not since junior high. That is a long time to be missing out on life.

This is what I have come to understand. That by not pushing myself harder to try, then I am truly missing out on great experiences. I mean honestly what can happen to me during a workout. So I puke, oh well, so I fall off the damn treadmill, nothing like a little road rash...lol....But that is it.. Only a small amount of physical discomfort for a lifetime of richness. I want to be the active kids my mom and hubby want. I don't want to sit back anymore.

This is where I have learned to push myself now. Beyond my barriers to experience wonderful and enlightening things. I am a happier person, a better wife and mother for it. Today I reached another goal. I jogged for 14 of my 30 minutes on my treadmill and accomplished 2 miles in that time. Let me say that I had to run in increments 10 at first, took a 2 minute break decided I could do it again, ran for 1 minute, told myself my legs hurt to bad, walked for 5 more, than at 27 minutes into the routine with .25 miles to go I turned up the speed and ran at 5.5 mph to reach my 30 minute goal with 2 miles. I did it. I did feel the pain in my legs and my lungs but i pressed on. This is tremendous. I have set yet another goal for myself and that is to jog/run a 10 minute mile within the next month. I will accomplish this and will report to whoever is reading.

This is a post of personal insight. Something I hope some of you understand. I want to say thank you, Thank you to my hubs for turning on that light in me. I appreciate it more than he knows. This is only the beginning and I will succeed........